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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

How do I Break Free of the Lies?

My mother told me to get out that I was not worthy of love when I was but a child. She hated me; I hated myself. No way anyone will ever see me as anything other than worthless. My mother chose him over me; she did not believe me when I told her what he was doing. How could she not believe me? Running away was my only option. Instead, group home after group home became my reality.

Mothers are supposed to protect, nurture and love. Why am I not capable of finding true love? My boyfriend left me again, and now I am fighting such loneliness. What's that, your telling me I do not have to feel this way? What do you mean there is hope? Not for someone like me. I tried the God thing already, but it never worked for me. Where was He when I was getting raped? I am mad at God.

You mean He helped you? Were you like me? You say yes; wow, look at you now. You are so full of light, hope, and peace. What's that you say, that is Christ in you? Maybe you are right; nothing else has worked, not sex, not alcohol, not getting high, nothing. I am so sick of feeling this way. I want to feel beautiful again, worthy, loved. I was that way until all that stuff happened to me. You mean you were able to forgive your mother? Christ helped you; you say the "icky" is gone now, the oppressive weight lifted off.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I can break free of the lies of the past and be okay. Read the Psalms you say in the Bible. The Psalms help you to rest and feel like you are okay for not being okay. Wow! Let me give that a try, give God one more chance. You are right; just saying Jesus gives me hope and peace.

Now, I am not alone in the window, am I? Christ has always been there, but I could not see Him because of the lies saying I was not worthy of His love and that I was too dirty for Him to love me or want me. I am worthy, fearfully and wonderfully made, as it says in His word. A daughter of the King!

The Psalms are helping and finding out the truth and exposing the lies. I have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb, Jesus. He gave me life through His death.

Hope and Peace,

Tammy Toney-Butler

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