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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

There is no Turning Back From the Truth

How did I get here? In the middle of nowhere with a man I barely know and a child in my arms? I am merely a child, broken and discarded by society by my parents, tossed like trash onto the streets. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. My baby needs me, yet I have such a broken hole inside my heart, a void that needs filling.

I long for the love of a father to be the way I was before the darkness came into my life. I thought the drugs would help, the sex, the baby, but nothing helped fill that gaping emptiness in my soul.

When standing in front of a door, you wonder if you should enter. Afraid to knock because the only door you knew was closed tightly on you when you were tossed out, carrying your belongings in a trash bag. No actual home, no love, just broken pieces in a shell of a life, not worthy of even a suitcase of hope.

Wait, you say, that's not true; there is always hope. Not for kids like me; I do not dare to hope. Hope is costly in my world of survival, and I am unsure when my next meal or beating will come. Will I have to trade sex for a place to sleep tonight? For food? For drugs?

People do not understand the heavy weight we all carry. A weight was placed on me after that first night when I was five, and my father snuck into my bedroom and did those things to me. I am so broken, dead inside. A mirror image of who I once was; I do not even recognize this person looking back at me.

How can I dare hope in something I can not even see? What's that? You say you did, and it changed your life. I am not like you; you are so strong, I am weak. Wait, you say my weakness can be a plus, a way to become strong and overcome.

What does the Bible say about all of this, the Word of Truth?

(8) Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.

(9) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

(10) That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Keep fighting, you say, through the darkness and refuse to believe the lies of old. What do I have to lose? I have tried everything else, and nothing helped. What's that? You say the only thing that set you free was Christ. Wow, you mean you sleep without fear? Without the door locked and light on? Really? No drugs to dull the pain? Only Jesus, you say? Surrender that you have no control, that those things that happened to you as a child were not your fault.

What's that? I am not dirty. I am worthy of His love. Thank you. I may dare to hope that my life can change for the better. Stretch out your hand for healing, you say, pray this prayer. Do not be ashamed.

Blessings and Hope,

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