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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

A Christmas of Loss, Pain, and Hopelessness

How did I get here? I was not like this a few months ago. Lost, broken, unable to bask in the light of a day and experience joy.

I feel so alone, so alone. Nothing makes it better, not even a day like today. How do I get through this holiday dinner? Paste a smile on my face and pour out what I do not have, for I am depleted.

People do not understand the pain of loss. Loss of a "perfect life" or a "perfect marriage." When he died, a part of me died too.

How do I regain the joy I once had on a holiday like today? A holiday that should be filled with the Joy of the Promise, Christ's birth.

It's not that I want to be this way, but something overtakes me and threatens to bury me in a sea of despair. It is an indescribable ache, all-consuming and devastating.

Wait, the disciples felt this ache when Jesus died on the Cross. Where had their Savior gone, the Promise? Hope Itself is sealed up in a tomb with a stone rolled over the opening to quell any ray of light from escaping to offer comfort to the lost and broken.

But wait, that's right, death did not defeat Christ. He rose again and became the Hope and Light of the World. A Living Word is available today if we call out for help. No matter what storm we face, He is there.

Jesus, forgive me. Jesus, save me. Jesus, I need your help to get through another minute as my clock of despair threatens to wind down yet another day filled with hopelessness and defeat.

How do I gain the time back? How do I get my joy back? How do I move past yesterday's loss to enjoy today's fullness? What's that? You will help me. Start knowing that they never left you; instead, they exist in the beauty around you, in My creation.

Do you see the cardinal? Do you see the blue jay? Do you see the rays of light shining on your face? Can you open your heart to feel the warmth of it again? If you open your heart to Me, I will fill it with peace and joy to replace the drought that anguish brings to a thirsty soul.

Call out to Me; I Am waiting at the well of Truth with a wellspring of Living Water to sustain, comfort, replenish, and refill you.

Come and take a drink!

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