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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

Innocence Stolen? Do You Want It Back?

When we are victimized as children, we see ourselves as less than, unworthy, and no longer pure. The abuser, predator, controller, and perpetrator of evil stepped in and ransacked our carefree existence.

We struggle to make sense of the senseless and control what can not be controlled. We were children, sheep, worthy of protection, yet the ones closest to us failed to protect us. Many of us find ourselves asking, "Where was God?" "Why did I suffer like this, lose a piece of me?"

I asked myself these questions on multiple occasions as I hid in the bathroom and read my Bible, knowing that once the door was forced open, I would be made to endure the monster's demands. Where was God, was uttered by me on more than one occasion.

Looking back, I realize He was there as I cried and grasped my Bible. Christ gave me the strength to endure years of torture and abuse allowed by my mother. My mother chose evil, chose the darkness. God could not control that since He made us have free will. Free will to choose our path. My mother chose her path but did so with a flawed method. She made choices based on survival, trying to get through each day since she, too, was a trauma survivor. Shaped and molded in a womb of trauma, and her mother before that, and so on for many generations.

Christ helped me to see past the hurt, pain, abandonment, and lack of closure as I wanted or had imagined. Christ set me free from the need for answers to my endless questions like, "I am sorry I hurt you," or "I am sorry I chose him over my daughter," or the need for "why" after my father's suicide. Instead, I changed my perspective, focusing on the release that healing brings.

Christ lifted the weight of the trauma off my shoulders and set me free of shame, guilt, fear, regret, anger, and self-loathing. Christ set me free of addiction and need for complete closure as chapters of my life ended and new seasons began. Letting go of an orphan spirit, abandonment, and unforgiveness in my heart. I chose instead to pray for those who persecuted me as Jesus did on the Cross and Stephen when stoned.

What are you refusing to let go of? Surrender? Jesus died so we could be set free, no longer bound by past hurts or the addictions we use to cope. I was dead before He set me free and helped me to let go of the "little girl" all that hurt was attached to. I had no choice then; I could not control the path, but I could control my future. I could choose to heal, surrender, and walk in the light.

That decision changed my life, and yes, I am sold out for Jesus! I was dead before He set me free from the "icky," and I am that child today, innocent, pure, and swinging on a swing of hope, purpose, and promise! You can be, too; join me to find out how!

Follow Reflective Hour with Tammy Toney-Butler and loosen the chains that bind you to the past. Step into the future; He is waiting!

Praying for your journey,

Tammy Toney-Butler

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