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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

Not One More Minute

How do I do it? How do I go outside when I feel so defeated inside? What's the use anyway? Everything I do fails; why keep trying? It's so dark where I am; do I dare trust in the light? No one understands the pressure I am under.

Should I give up? Is there any hope for a guy like me? Lost, broken, and struggling with a porn addiction? Do you think they know? Do you think God hates me? I feel so dirty inside, but I can not stop myself. How do I get free of this? What's that, God can help? Really? A sinner like me? Dirty?

My mother did not want me; I am, in a lot of ways, still that lost little boy in need of a mother's love. How do I get past the loneliness? Despair? No one understands?

What's that, you know someone to help? A love that will erase the hurt and bring joy and peace to my troubled soul. How could anyone want me? I am addicted to sex, porn, pills. I need the heavy weight of it all to be lifted off me. I can not carry it one more day.

Try it your way. It worked for you. We are different. What's that? We have the same Father. Are we related, really, family? But I am dirty; why would you want me as a brother? What's that, Christ wanted you, saved you? You mean, if I repent of my sins, surrender it all to Jesus, then He will wash me clean, carry it for me? Set me free?

He sends His Helper, the Holy Spirit, to help me be transformed. So, I need to repent of my sins, ask Him to forgive me and wash me clean by the blood of the Lamb, and for the Holy Spirit to live inside me. Wow? I do believe Jesus is the son of God and died for my sins on the Cross. I believe He rose again and is my Advocate.

Well, I have nothing to lose. I am dead inside, depressed, and not able to take it another day. Let me try it your way. You were set free and now have a family in Christ. You say I will never be alone again because I will have an eternal Friend, Helper, Comforter, and love as I have never known in all my years.

I have hope now. I started rereading my Bible. I made it through 30 days of sobriety. We are related and not so different after all. Thank you for showing me the way. Let's bring the others, shall we?

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