How do I move past it? The sinking regret I feel from the choices I made in the past that led to a disastrous road paved with shame and self-loathing? How do I break free of the sinking sand and the weight of it all? I float in a sea of oblivion, so close to drowning from the heaviness of it all.
Swim towards the light, you say, it can help you? How? Nothing helps; let me drown in my misery. What's that you say? There is Hope in the light; swim towards it. What's that? You mean those things were not my fault; I do not have to feel shame, blame, or regret. You mean, they were not choices but survival mechanisms to cope with all that happened to me as a child. The rape by my father that I never spoke of and could never get passed. The sheer weight of the "icky" I took on after "it" happened. Wow, you mean I can move beyond all that and live in hope, in the fullness of life, in joy? You did, you say, but how? Forgive me for the drugs and alcohol I used to dull the pain and weight of it all, the abortion, and the inability to cope with being a parent at fourteen. It's okay to forgive myself, to seek light.
Fight your way through the darkness, swim, reach out your hand for help, and He will be there, the one who saved you. Really? Try again. But the darkness threatens to consume me, and I have no will to fight. But, I do you say, I am stronger than I look, and I will make it out of the murk and mire. That sounds good, but I need to trust in something I can not see or touch. Something invisible yet existent. Reach for the light, Christ. Jesus is the way to true healing, peace, joy, surrender, and freedom.
Blessings and Peace,
Tammy Toney-Butler
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