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  • Writer's pictureTammy Toney-Butler

Struggling to Overcome Fear?

Will I ever get past the fear? Ever since he did that to me, I have been so afraid. So afraid to speak, afraid to sleep, afraid to trust anyone. Will I ever find my voice? Will I ever be able to sleep without the light on or the bedroom door locked?

The heavyweight consumes me and keeps me chained to my past; to that day, it all changed. The day the "icky" came, the shame, the self-loathing, the regret. Will it ever leave me? The oppressive weight hinders my job, relationships, and ability to cope. Lately, I turn to a bottle of wine to dull the heaviness of it all. If only I could break free for just a moment and experience peace. Why do I even try? Nothing ever helps.

I want to be normal again and move on with my life. No one understands; I am all alone. I am walking a path of uncertainty—so many unanswered questions. What's that, you say, betrayal—loss of trust?

Betrayal, yep, that's it. Why did it happen? I called out to God, but silence. Where was He in all of it? I am mad at God. I am too dirty for Him to love me anyway. Just look at me; you can see the dirt and shame I carry. No longer that innocent little girl. Why did they do it? Why did He not save me? Well, it does not matter anyway. What's that you say? It does matter; there is hope. You say He loves me, and I am not dirty. Really, how can I believe that is true?

A transformation like a butterfly is possible, that's what you're telling me? How, what do I need to do? Seek Christ, you say, try again. He was always there, but I could not see Him in my messy life. Maybe you are right. I stopped calling out to Him and believing I was worthy of His love and redemption. Let me call out to Him now—a new mind, you say, no longer weighted down by fear. Peace and joy, it's all possible. Wow! I am starting to get better, and I have hope.

Blessings and Peace,

Tammy Toney-Butler

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